A very real note about parent-teacher relationships

If teaching were a mere transaction of knowledge from the teacher to the student, then the job of teaching would be easy and business-like. But it’s not that way.

The vast majority of teachers that I have grown up knowing and have come to know as colleagues care about the whole development of the children they teach. We care about whether the student had breakfast that morning or if she has any books at home. We care about who the students are as people and the character they’re developing.

It’s a very personal job. During the school year, children spend about half their waking hours with teachers. Teachers are helping raise these children.

A struggle since I began teaching has been relationships with parents. I have had parents that serve and give so much, I don’t even know how I would go about repaying them. I just am in awe of the incredible hearts they have to help not only their child, but the others in the class.

And then there are a few—maybe one or two out the whole group—that give you a difficult time. I teach at a charter school, where parents generally expect the school to be different and better than public schools. Sometimes I wonder if these parents enroll their children because they think the school is going to perfectly suit their preferences. I am here to tell you that no school will fulfill each of your preferences perfectly, and that should be okay. We need to separate preference from real needs and concerns.

I think the general culture of today is also at fault. We live in a society where you can complain to a business, and that business will throw in a free whatever whether the complaint was justified or not. But you can’t apply the same mentality to schools, because the learning of a child is not a mere commodity.

I have made mistakes before that I’ve owned, corrected and apologized for. Parents have been gracious and understanding to me. But new teachers, you need to know that sometimes parents will come forth with utter disrespect and complaining over something that is not justified. You may be accused of something you did not do.

The first time this happened to me, I was torn up. I sought counsel with more experienced teachers, and they all told me that it was part of the experience of being a teacher. How sad that tearing someone apart with your words has now become an expected norm for teachers to face. I found a little bit of comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone in this, but I still felt a very real pain.

I think the rhetoric that tells us teachers to have a thick skin and not to care what parents think is generally good, but it missed the mark a bit for me. Even Taylor Swift says that “haters gonna hate” and that you should just “shake it off.” So I felt guilty for feeling incredibly hurt by this one parent. She had leveled unfounded accusations at me and used vitriolic language, and yet I felt bad for feeling pain over this due to the fact that teachers aren’t supposed to care.

I care deeply, and I think that’s part of what makes me good at this profession. I think about my kids all the time. I think about their lives and growth as people. So I can’t just turn off my feelings.

I heard something today at church that really helped me gain perspective.

1 Peter 3:13-17 “And who will harm you if you are deeply committed to what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear or be disturbed, but honor the Messiah as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you. However, do this with gentleness and respect, keeping your conscience clear, so that when you are accused, those who denounce your Christian life will be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.”

Of course I need to have a soft heart and open ears to the concerns that parents have. They want what is best for their child. But if I’m blamed for something that isn’t justified, I can give myself permission to feel that pain and then ask Jesus to heal me of it. I am free to respond to difficult parents with gentleness, and if they still hold anything against me, I need to let it go.

I am reminded that David had a lot of enemies even when he was serving the Lord and doing right. I am also reminded that Jesus was hated on this earth by scores of people. He was accused of things he didn’t do.  “He was oppressed and afflicted, yet He did not open His mouth.” Isaiah 53:7.

I don’t want to make myself seem like a martyr, because I make mistakes in teaching. You, new teacher, will make mistakes. But I now have comfort that there is hope when you are unreasonably accused or disliked. I hope that can give you hope as well, because if your students are learning and being loved, then you are doing fine. You don’t need to feel guilt based on parents’ perceptions of you, especially if they’ve never been in your classroom to know what a kindhearted, hard-working and lovable rock you are for these kids.